Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
