I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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