i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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