The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
