I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
