My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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