the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
