Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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