I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
