i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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