I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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