Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
