I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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