I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
