can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
someone owes me an orgasm
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
