I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
