Don't make out with my wife yet
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
