Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
