There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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