girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
