why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
