Who did Billy Mays play for?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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