I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
