If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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