I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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