remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
