you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
