It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
