im having a threesome with these popsicles
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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