cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
