dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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