I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
