I need to stop coming to work sober
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
