"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
