i already hear my dad disowning me
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
