My room smells like vodka and shame
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
