I'm so fucking centered right now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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