Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
