it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Alive.
So much puke
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
