if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
