My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
