see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize