I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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