On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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