No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
