I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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