Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
