Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize