I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Even my vagina gasped.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize