In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
