Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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