Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
