Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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