I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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