He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize