the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
