My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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