apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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