pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
