I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
