she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
