I need to stop coming to work sober
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
